A Lil Life Update
Or why I cannot be an immigrant, millennial mom, version of Brené Brown
Dear friend,
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where someone is answering a question in a long and eloquent way, but at the end of their response, filled with long words, gentle hand gestures, and short pauses, you have absolutely no idea what was just said?
I’m always amazed by the incredible skill of saying so much while saying absolutely nothing concrete.
I have been wondering whether the next skill I should learn is being vague af. Finally, at 42.5, I have graduated from Sarcasm 101 — unofficially taught by my coworkers Sarah and Tom.
But, after careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I will not be pursuing this track.
I’ve identified a couple of strong pros and cons of learning this new skill:
Pro: I would write more frequently.
My personal essays, and even social media posts, splash in a messier way nowadays. If I write on a more surface level, being deep without actually going deep, being careful not to offend anyone, I’d write more. Less emotionally-led stories, less vulnerability = less risk.
Con: Nausea.
I have tried to translate my deepest thoughts and experiences into a surface-level write-up, and that made me want to throw up.
It felt like small talk, weather talk, life coach talk (sorry, life coaches. no shade. you’re doing god’s work). It freaking felt like I was somebody else, and even though I sometimes would rather be someone else, let’s say, simpler, easygoing, calmer, drama-free, I’d have to be born again in an emotionally mature family.
Pro: I would be a thought-leadership writer.
Could this be Thali 2.0? Is this my new path in writing? Where I’m some kind of immigrant millennial mom version of Brené Brown and have conversations with the ability to speak in general terms with the enlightenment of a modern philosopher.
Con: Headache.
The thought of being on a soapbox, sharing lessons based on research, gave me an instant migraine. I’m not saying I can’t try. I’m saying my head hurts from the thought of it. The messy middle is the place where I connect and find healing. If my writing no longer serves me in that process, then why am I writing for. (reaches for an advil.)
But I did reach a point of clarity after months — who am I kidding — after the last two years of pondering how to exist when the way I used to process the past, present, future, out loud in this and other public spaces, feels too complex and charged now.
I’m not ashamed to say that it was a post on instagram that gave me a sense of peace and brought me back to this page.
Here’s what it says:
On Being a Creative Woman
Some things exist because she needed to make them.
Not making them was never an option.
She becomes less interested in being seen and more committed to seeing clearly, to naming what is hers and releasing everything that isn’t.
Doubt does not disappear. It loses its authority. It becomes just another voice in the room she has stopped answering.
There is no finishing. Only the workd, and the decision to continue it.
- Gisele Azad
For most of my life, I craved being seen. I yearned for meaningful connections, for truth spoken out loud, and the bonds that came from it. It was such a great ride, now on pause because more than being seen, my journey has been to see clearly.
I found a new therapist. I’m still dabbing at watercolors and sketching. And today, I have completed 30 days on a daily, 5mg dose of Lexapro.
Things are looking up. I feel stronger (and sleepier). My brain is quiet for the first time in my entire life on this planet. It feels soft and I’m enjoying this moment of softness. I never thought I’d say this, but thank you very much, big pharma.
I clicked on the Google Doc that holds the book I started writing in 2023 and found I’ve written 111 pages. Maybe it’s time to revisit this project. Maybe I just keep cleaning my lenses to see deeper and farther what being me looks like in this season.
One day at a time.
With love and gratitude,
Thali